I.CAN’T. I am fresh out of “can”. I went to the “can” store and they were sold out. “Can” don’t live here anymore! I CAAAAAAN’T! I didn’t think it was possible for this show to get any better but, here we are after another jaw dropping episode of Scandal trying to pick up the pieces of our mangled bodies. This episode had everything- Liv in the most sickening black and white contrast full length coat, inappropriate sex (but not the kind we were hoping for), and a lot of back story on Mellie and Remington. Stay with me as I try to untangle the deets.
Episode 307 opens with this gorgeous coat, oh an Liv too, walking out the door and trying to ignore the Fitz phone which was ringing on her table. She runs to grab it on the last ring because yeah, you put the POTUS out of your house but there’s only so many times you’re going to
ignore him. He’s all like “boo, I love you so much” and Liv is like “So!? You kind of killed my mother AND I am NOT having any inappropriate sex with you!” Fitz wants her to stop her investigation on account of Papa Goon not knowing that Liv is his daughter and she already knows that he is the Grand Wizard of Boogeymen. Even knowing all that she knows, she still loves her Mush Man. I’oneeeeem wanna know what THAT kind of love is like. Sheesh!
This week we get a peek into Mellie’s history with Fitzy via a series of flashbacks. Mellie
is the personification of a ride or die chick ok? I mean, she sets the bar for riding and/or dying and quite frankly, I’m taking myself out of the running for that title. Any woman who gets raped by her husband’s father then turns around and uses it as a bargaining chip, keeps all his secrets, and smiles next to her man long after he’s mentally checked out of the marriage is some kind of bad girl. WHO CAN COMPETE WITH THAT?? Sheeeeeit, I would have stabbed everybody in that mother*$%#$ years ago! Seeing her history with Fitzy made me feel sorry for her…briefly. Until they brought in a 15 years younger Cyrus wearing a wig that looks like it came out of Rod Stewarts costume closet. Lawd, 23 strokes sure will age a person! Anyhoos, In these flashbacks We are able to see the grand hustle as it unfolds. Mellie, Cy and Papa Creep AKA Fitzgerald Grant II are all conspiring to get Fitz to run for governor and then eventually POTUS.None of them really believe in him but his dynamic team of charlatans and shysters ain’t worried. They have their puppet in Fitz, now it’s on with the show. It’s actually quite tragic when you think about it. Fitz has at least three hands up his ass at all times, controlling his every move. But he thinks he runs the world with his little presidential balls. PSSSSH!
At Pope and Associates, Liv introduces the gladiators to their newest client- her mother…and we all collectively fainted. She quickly gets the team plus Jake up to speed on the mission and the key players involved and she also gives them an opportunity to back down if the assignment is too much of a challenge. Everyone remains loyal and presses on. They also find out that a passenger was taken off the plane by an Air Marshal before Fitz shot it down. Quinn is obviously missing from many of the gladiator meetings but nobody even takes notice. Note-This is why you need a sign in sheet for meetings.
Over at the gun range, Baby Huck is getting more tricks of the trade from Charlie who is
showing some personality this season. I had to be careful because I almost found myself liking him for a hot second. I mean hell, it was miiiighty amusing watching him hydrate Quinn’s thirsty ass with spontaneous kisses and high school make-out sessions. He had Quinn following him around and signing up to kill folk and she ain’t even get the “D” yet! Oh helllllzz naw! I mean, Charlie
led her into the trap like lemmings running off a damn cliff.
Mellie is busy trying to reconstruct her public image because right now she looks like a
schizophrenic, loose lipped, woman scorned instead of a composed regal First
Lady. You won't evahhh see Michelle Obama airing their dirty laundry or getting caught talking shit about candidates with the mic on, take note Mellie! You've come too far to be caught slipping. She has cameras following her around, showing the world a glimpse of the fascinating life of a First Lady- planning charity events, making executive decisions on which fine china to use etc. She
hopes to catch Fitz in the office so the cameras can see them operate as a family but dammit when she burst into the Oval Office, it was empty. Damn Fitz. Do you have to carry her so hard?? He redeems himself in an interview where Mellie found herself in over her head. She was flustered and wasn’t able to answer the interviewers questions with ease. Fitz stepped in and took one for
the team, drawing the attention away from her and back on him since he is the one who was lickin’ and stickin’ our Liv and Savior all these years. Gold star for you, President Mush!
In another flashback, we learn why Fitz is at the mercy of his father- basically papa Creep had to play cleanup man after he shot down the passenger plane. So Fitz gotsta do whatever "Big Jerry" wants him to do. But it's really Mellie with the colossal balls. After Big Jerry raped her, she didn't tell a soul. She just used it as a way to get Papa Creep to be decent to his son. As a feminist, this scene was hard for me to digest. We learn just how strong Mellie is but unfortunately her strength and power stem from her being victimized by her husband’s father. Ugh! UBER SIDE EYE
HERE!
Bringing us current, we see Cyrus and Mellie trying to find a dame to seduce Sally Langston’s husband except he really isn’t checking for “fish” in the traditional sense of the word. At a White House event, an exasperated James tries to tell Cy that he had been fired but Cy didn’t waste a minute further peeling back his already bleeding scalp from last weeks EPIC reading by
Senator Marcus. Poor James walks off and ends up finding friendship with Sally’s husband. Ah ha! So last week he really wasn’t flirting with Mellie, he just wanted to know who did her hair and where she got her pearls from. Haaaaaaaay!
So the Gladiators find out who the Air Marshal was from the plane crash and they send Jake out to talk to him. Yes! They are getting closer to the truth! Exceeeeeept no. Quinn has her nose wide open and her eyes wide shut because Charlie gave her a chance to tag along on one of his “private
investigating” jobs. He tongued her down real good in the car and sent her into an office building to “sedate” the security guard at the front desk. So she sashays into the building, lipstick smeared, skirt all twisted thinking she is doing the damn thing but per usual, it’s a set up. She stabs the security guard and begins to rejoice that she carried out her mission but the poor old
guy started foaming at the mouth and died on the spot. He WAS (at least this is what I think. Ya’ll can correct me if you believe otherwise) the only witness left from the crash. She goes back to the car looking like a blithering idiot and Charlie welcomes her to B-613. WHY YOU SO STUPID FOR, QUINN?!!
After however many years of boning Olivia Pope, Fitz finally decides to look into her past. You’re madly in love with this woman but you ain’t never ask her about her mother and father or nothing Jesus until she stopped giving you the straw to her juice box. You ain’t shit, Fitz! So naturally, POTUS nearly gags to death when his staffer brings him a file on Liv’s dad and he
see’s that it’s Papa Hooligan.
Cut over to Papa Pope making his way into a highly secure facility, supposedly to see Omar Dresden and after going through a series of check points he sits down at the prisoners cell to say that
their daughter has been asking about her. And I basically blacked out at this point because when the “prisoner” rolled over we see that it’s Liv’s mom. I told ya’ll, I.CAN’T. Goodnight!
Written By- Bree Maria
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