Season 3: Episode #8 "Vermont is for Lovers, Too"

                                                  INAPPROPRIATE SEX!!!!
It happened! And it happened all up and through episode 308! I had to take an Ambien, a Clozapine, a shot of Tylenol Severe Cold AND a medium iced mocha latte before I could even attempt to write this recap…Jeezus!! Second, this episode was directed by the beautiful and talented Ava DuVerney so I didn’t expect anything less than jaw dropping scenes. Chile, just….. let’s get into it.

Episode 308 opens with Mama Pope demanding to see Liv before Papa Pope disposes of her for good. We find out that she has served Nelson Mandela time-like 20 plus years!! For a SPLIIIIT second we see something that resembles, compassion… kinda…sorta in Eli’s eyes but he quickly says “siiiiiiike! Girl you know that ain’t gonna happen but that was a real cute try.” Oh and real quick, I just want to say that Mama Pope’s lace front was laid like satin sheets! Yuuuussss!!

At Pope & Associates the crew is toiling away at finding surveillance footage that will show them who killed the security guard who was the link to Omar Dresden. Quinn pulls up in the Grand Marquis with Charlie coaching her on how to be a good mole. I know her heart was doing the Harlem Shake because mine definitely was! She’s obviously feeling the weight of what she’s gotten herself into. Note to fathers- this is why you need to hug your daughters and tell them they are beautiful because when you don’t, they end up signing up for gangs and top secret government goon squads.
Inside the office we see Quinn, often with a face that looks like she has an acute case of diarrhea as the Gladiators get closer to revealing the killer. She panics and tells Charlie that they are on the scent but he basically slaps her on the butt and says “it’s ok Toots, you’ll figure it out”

Back in the bowels of hell, Mama Pope is not going out like a chump so she sits there on the floor and chews through both her wrists until she hits the artery. What in the entire fuck? PINEAPPLES SHONDA, PINEAPPLES!! None of us were ready for that! Later in the show we find Mama has survived her self-cannibalism and is strapped down to the bed. Eli wants to make sure to get her out of there without any further incident so the doctor assures him that she’ll be HEAVILY sedated for transport.

Quinn, who I can’t even refer to as “Baby Huck” anymore goes into disguise and tries to capture the surveillance footage from nearby businesses before the Gladiators can get to the tapes. Sucks for her but she runs smack into Jake who is on the very same mission. He makes her hand over the findings before she can do away with the evidence. Foiled again, Quinn. Clearly you are not about this life ma’am. Oh, I love that Jake is an official Gladiator now and you know that man isn’t on the Pope & Associates payroll. He’s doing it just off the memory of that golden Pope Poon! I ain’t mad at you, Sir!

Mama and her luxurious lacefront are recovering and Papa Pope goes to see her with some newspaper clippings to show her of their daughter, how heartwarming! He manages to push his lips into something resembling a smile as they sort through the articles. Using her maternal instinct she wants to know where are the actual photos of the two of them. There are none to be seen since we know that he shipped Liv away as soon her mother was “killed” but he quickly flips the script on Mama and says that all of this is her fault in the first place. I can’t WAIT to get the backstory on this!!!!

Senator Marcus is still holding on to presidential hopes but someone has broken into their headquarters and stole her laptop. After receiving explicit instructions to stand down and let the Gladiators handle the press, Candace breaks rank and goes on air and passively aggressively places the blame on the Reston Camp. The Governor of Gingham, Harrison quickly says he’ll handle Candace and a few scenes later we find out why he was so eager. He handled it all right…. Everyone’s initial thought is that the Reston camp is behind it but the math just doesn’t add up. Liv and crew were quickly able to determine that it was a poorly executed inside job. Cue up INAPPROPRIATE SEX SCENE #1 with David Rosen and Abbey. They are soooooo awkward to me, but whatevs. Awkward folk need love too. They hash out the details of the stolen laptop and all manicured fingers point to Candace, Josie’s sister/daughter. Abbey jumps on the horn to inform Harrison and gahdammit! This is where I audibly screamed “NOOOOOOOO!!!!” at the TV. I literally shrieked! The first shirtless scene we ever see with Harrison is when he’s getting out of bed with Candace. REALLY SHONDA? Don’t let this form of high treason ever happen again! I can’t deal! INAPPROPRIATE SEX SCENE #2

Liv tells Josie that she could weather this political shit storm but when it’s time to fess up to the press, she takes the fall for the laptop job and resigns from the race and says she’s going back to Pennsyltucky or wherever the hell she’s from. It’s better this way. Josie you are about as interesting as a stump so I for one, am OK with you falling into obscurity. NEXT!

At the Beene/Novak residence the coldhearted snake Cyrus informs James that he hooked his boo up with an exclusive interview with Daniel Douglas. James is so happy to have a gig, he doesn’t even see the trap that was set with himself as the bait. Poor guy. Cy and Mellie talked it through and figured that once James and Daniel were alone, Daniel would make a pass at James and the Fitz camp would have some dirt to stop Sally Langston from running on the Independent ticket. To make certain that Daniel makes a grab for Jame’s bootymeat Mellie puts the bug in Daniels ear, saying that Cy and James have an open marriage. Ooooooh Mellie, you tried it!

ATTENTION ALL SIDEPIECES! If your “man/woman” doesn’t send for you in a private helicopter, YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG! Fitz sends for Liv to meet him in the mountains of Vermont. She reluctantly agrees to meet with him for just one hour. They’re in a dazzling modern log cabin house and he tells her how heartbroken he is that she never told him about her father. Liv throws a few verbal gut punches before she finally asks where they are. He tells her that it’s the house he made for the two of them. All Liv hears is “made this house…..make jam….grow old together” and it was FUCK YOU, MAMA! She couldn’t get Fitz out of his crew neck Chaps cable knit sweater fast enough. Damn! I guess the part about him killing her mother is inconsequential now. Oh yeah and side pieces, don’t get excited cuz your boo bought you dinner at the Red Lobster. I know cheddar bay biscuits are EVERYTHING but if you’re man/woman ain’t buying you a log cabin in Vermont, YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG! Lawd hammercy, INAPPROPRIATE SEX SCENE #3, TO THE SOUNDS OF BILL WITHERS! I DIED! Poor Mellie is trying to track Fitz down because Teddy said “balloon” and she wanted him to know. After having Fitzy’s receptionist call every phone number in the directory with no answer, she has her call Liv’s phone. Why you play yourself like that, Mellie?? The receptionist looked like she wanted to say “Bish, you know damn well the two of them are in somebody’s broom closet having sex.” But she remains professional.

The next morning Liv has to get back to work and Fitz is left sitting there with the sheets clutched under his chin looking violated and used. Before she leaves, she tells him not to sell the house. THAT my friends, is how you win back your woman. BUY HER A FREAKIN CABIN IN VERMONT! It changes everything. Cuz last week Liv was all like “fuck you and your perfectly trimmed hair” and this week when Fitz says he’s going after Eli she’s all like “Bay I know you gotta do what you have to do, I support you in all your endeavors.”

Back in DC:
James gets back from his “interview” at Daniel’s man cave. Daniel did indeed make a pass at James and it finally slipped that Daniel was led to believe that James had an open marriage. Visibly hurt, James figures he’ll give Cy a little more than what he bargained for. He went on and slept with that big burly piece of redneck man-meat, all while the photog that Cy hired snapped pics of it. INAPPROPRIATE SEX SCENE #4. The photog forwarded the pics to Cyrus and all he could do was muster a single sad tear as he witnessed his husband giving it up to Daniel. THIS IS WHY YOU CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS CYRUS!

Quinn arrives at her house, exhausted from all her double crossery. She steps into the foyer and finds an 8x10 photo on the floor of the night she killed the security guard. It’s an image of her reflection leaving out of building. SHe senses someone is in the room and calls out “Huck?” and baaaby, Huck was like “yep, we need to talk about who you’re working for” and when she flips on the light, we see he has neatly arranged his power drill, scalpel, pliers, wrench and a bottle of Purell. HUCK IS BACK YA’LL!!!

Finally the last scene shows Liv walking to her building and out of the shadows pops Mama Pope. Before the doctor could inject her with a sedative, she was able to turn the needle around on him and escaped out of her cell. You cannot keep a mother lion from her cub. You just can’t. She calls out “hi Livvy” and Liv turns around to stand face to face with her mom for the first time after over 20 years.

I am no more good. Ava and Shonda have snatched all the edges from my hairline. I am bald. And dead. Good show ladies, good show!!!